Here Be Monsters

Here Be Monsters

You grew up watching all the horror movies. You know how to kill a vampire, confuse a werewolf, and send a mummy back to his eternal sleep. But have you prepared for all the new monsters you’ll encounter the instant you set foot on foreign soil? The ones your American education did nothing to prepare you for? Didn’t think so.

5) Nahuelito (Argentina)

The nice thing about Nahuelito is that if you stay out of the waters of Nahuel Huapi Lake, you’re basically guaranteed to escape its wrath. The unfortunate thing about Nahuelito is that though the earliest reports of its existence surfaced in the 1920s, it has been photographed as recently as 2006. So the damn thing is not only huge, angry, and trapped in a lake, it might also live forever. But you never liked swimming anyway, did you?

4) The Big Grey Man of Ben MacDhui (Scotland)

This very tall, hairy hominid has been content to haunt the peaks of Scotland’s Cairngorms for hundreds of years. Most sightings have been by terrified Scottish mountain climbers who recounted being stalked along the summit they’d just exhausted themselves to reach. Lately though, the creature has been spotted on flatter land, MUCH closer to where the rest of us hang out. In fact, in the 90s, three men reported that the Grey Man chased their car in the forests near Aberdeen, reaching running speeds close to 45 miles per hour. Just out of curiosity, how fast can you run?

aka manto

 

3) Aka Manto (Japan)

Japanese horror movies are terrifying, and yet they don’t even BEGIN to plumb the depths of Japan’s monsters. Allow us to help out by introducing Aka Manto. A very handsome man who haunts public and school restrooms, Aka Manto waits until you enter the last stall and then poses the question: ‘Red or blue paper?’ If you answer red, he’ll disembowel you until you’re covered in the stuff. Choose blue and he’ll strangle the breath out of you until the color of your face fulfills your request. Want to be clever and request a different color? Fine. He’ll drag you down to the netherworld for your insolence. Maybe you should just drip dry.

 

2) The Golem of Prague (Czech Republic)

Unlike most monsters, the golem of Prague has a name: Josef, or Yossele if you want to be friendly. Created in the late 1500s, the golem was originally made to protect the Jews in Prague. Made of clay and powered by Hebrew incantations, Josef could not only become invisible, but could also raise his very own army of ghosts to do his bidding should the occasion arise. Because of the ungodliness of such a creature, his keeper took care to shut him down every Sabbath until that day when, oops, he forgot. One psychotic killing spree later, and Josef was persona non grata. Forever. His body was dissembled and stashed in the attic of the Old New Synagogue. Though accounts differ, and the synagogue remains closed to the public, rumors suggest that Josef may have killed a few Nazis during WWII. Guess he’s still on the job.

adze

1) Adze (Ghana)

The Adze is a vampire. In its human form, it will undoubtedly try to attack you and eat your organs. That’s what vampires do, contrary to what all these sparkly ones would have you believe. Luckily, the Adze can be defeated while in human form. (That whole garlic allergy was a massive miscalculation) Not so luckily, the Adze prefers to fly around as… a firefly. Yep, you read that right. While in cute, little, light-up-butt mode, the Adze will land on your sleeping body, suck your blood, and infect you with malaria. Oh and then, as a bonus, it will possess your body and turn you into a witch. Because, really, why stop with just organ eating, blood sucking, and malaria? Now might be a good time to invest in bug spray.

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